WOMAN: Okay, here we go.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Oh, my God, Rachel, you suck.
BOUNCER: lt's a private party. -lt's okay, they're kind of expecting me.
[LlL WENDY'S ''SHAKE lT'' PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
-Shake it, shake it -Let me hear you now
Shake it, shake it, shake it
-Shake it, shake it -Let me hear you now
Hello?
[MUSlC STOPS]
ALL: Surprise!
[ALL CHEERlNG]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
l know you told me not to, but l just had to.
l just had to.
-You're not mad, are you? -No, it's sweet.
And are you surprised?
Was l surprised?
-You were? -Ugh. Was l?
She was surprised!
You don't want this. l knew it, l knew it, l knew it. We did it!
[ALL CHEERlNG]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
-No! Oh, no, sorry, somebody's in here. -Ow!
lt's me.
-Ow. Not afraid to put your back into it. -What are you doing in the ladies' room?
What? l saw you come in here, looking all tragic.
So l'm here to check for razor blades.
You were not coming in here for me.
You're dodging Claire.
See what happens when you sleep with people you don't love?
-That's insulting. -Why don't you talk to her?
Rachel, she's crazy.
[CROWD CHATTERlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
CLAlRE: There you are. -Good God.
CLAlRE: Hi. -Hi.
Where have you been all night, mister? Mr. Magoo. Ha-ha-ha.
Just hiding. Yeah.
Hiding. Ha-ha-ha.
-lt's so, like, chaotic in here. -Yep.
Do you wanna--? Do you wanna go someplace more, like, um, intimate or--?
No. Party. So l think l'll stay here.
-Me neither. l don't want to either. -Yep. Awesome.
-Oh, my God. -What is it?
l want you to see me drop it like it's hot. One second.
-This is awesome. -[WHlSPERlNG] Talk to her.
DARCY: When she walked in.... Aah!
Hey!
-That was very nice of you. -What?
Pretending to be surprised.
-Please don't tell her. She'll be heartbroken. -l won't.
[MlMlCS THUD]
What's going on, Dex?
How you doing? You gonna introduce me to the birthday girl?
Rachel, this is Marcus. Old family friend. Just moved into town.
What up, birthday girl?
Please stop saying that.
Don't worry. The capacity to be pleasured only increases with age.
-Trust me. -Wow.
What's up? What's your name? You got a boyfriend?
RACHEL: Wow. -Yeah. l'm sorry.
DARCY: Hello.
l'm gonna say something. And l know everybody wants to hear it.
Center of attention. That's weird.
All right, well, as most of you know, l'm getting married in 61 days.
[ALL CHEER]
And, Dex, honey, l have a confession to make.
This won't be my first marriage.
[SALT-N-PEPA'S ''SHOOP'' PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
I wanna shoop, baby
Yep. Rachel and l have been soul mates since the beginning.
Like two peas in a pod, we did everything together.
Like re-enacting Dirty Dancing.
And our infamous dance routine to Salt-N-Pepa's ''Push lt.''
We basically shared everything. lncluding Ethan.
Oh, shit. Why am l in this?
DARCY: Our date to the sixth grade dance.
And through all the years, Rachel and l were inseparable.
lt was us against the world.
And after we graduated lndiana, she ditched my ass for stupid law school...
...despite the fact that l selflessly rejected...
...my acceptance to Notre Dame...
...because she wasn't let in.
But whatever.
lt all worked out in the end, because she went to NYU Law...
...and met my future husband, and introduced us.
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
l'll never forget, when Dex proposed...
...all l could think about when he was down on one knee...
...was that l wish Rachel was here...
...watching me in this moment.
[WHlSPERlNG] Sorry. Who are we celebrating?
l mean, to say you are my best friend is the understatement of the century.
You're the sister l never had.
You're sometimes the mother l often need.
The reason why l can stumble so fearlessly into adventure...
...is because she's always there.
She is always, always there.
l love you, Rachel.
[WHlSPERlNG] l love you too.
Happy 30th!
l'm so happy it's not me yet!
All right. Come on, let's get this party going. Come on, come on.
[CROWD CHEERlNG AND UPBEAT DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
And shake it, shake it.
[CHUCKLlNG]
Wow.
So are you two, like, uh--?
A couple? Nope.
-No? -Nope.
You guys ever--?
-No. No. -No?
WOMAN: Shake it, Darcy!
You know what, sweetheart? l think it's time that you came down.
[UPBEAT HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG]
Rachel, tell him to let me stay.
Come on, l did the party. l'm the one who did it.
-Honey, l love you so much. -l love you.
-Did you like it? Did you like your party? -l did. l loved it.
[DARCY LAUGHlNG]
Oh, my God, remind me to buy you new shoes. l just hate your shoes so much.
Okay, yep, time to go home.
-l hate them. -You know what? She'll call you tomorrow.
l don't understand why you think, ''l'm gonna buy that pair of shoes.''
-Happy birthday. -Hey, thank you.
[WHlSTLES]
Never helps, but l do it anyway.
There's an old maid in the window. Let's get her a cat.
Okay, you're not old.
You're just a lawyer. lt's different.
l'm serious, Ethan. Thirty's young, but it's not that young.
-Okay. Ten-second pity party. Go. -Ethan.
l'm past my prime child-bearing years.
Wow. Okay. l didn't know we were going dark.
l basically wasted my entire 20s.
And l hate my job.
Okay, two things? You went way over.
And, secondly, you didn't waste your 20s. You just grew up.
Why won't you marry me?
Because l like you too much.
Ah! Perfect timing.
RACHEL: Dex.
-Hey, what's going on? -Darcy forgot her purse.
RACHEL: Her new Chanel? -Not the new Chanel! Let's go.
-Come on. -Oh. l'm gonna go help him find it.
Are you serious?
lt's like a $2000 handbag.
Dudes aren't supposed to know that.
ln or out, asshole?
You need a hug, buddy.
Oh! And voila.
-Oh! -Ha-ha-ha.
-You all right? -Mm-hm.
-You sure? -Mm-hm.
Thank you. Come on. l'll get you a taxi.
So did you have a good time tonight?
Yeah, l did.
[SCOFFS]
l did!
Hey. Let's get one more drink.
Oh, no, that's okay. You don't have to.
Come on. l want to.
DEX: Two Heinekens, please.
RACHEL: Darcy. DARCY: It'II be fun. Come on.
DEX: Are you aIways this obnoxious?
DARCY: Ha-ha-ha. Yes, I am. Does that surprise you?
Wow. You really don't notice the way women look at you.
You're funny.
l'm not that funny.
You're right. You were much funnier in law school.
[CHUCKLES]
[GROANS]
God, if we could do anything, anything, wake up tomorrow and do anything...
...be anything, what would you do?
-What would you be? -Rap superstar.
Come on, seriously.
l'd be a teacher.
-Really? -Yeah.
Yeah, l always wanted to teach.
You know, maybe start with high school.
Coach the soccer team.
So why aren't we? Doing what we really wanna do?
Well, l don't know about you...
...but doing what l wanna do has never been much of a factor.
lt's more like what l'm expected to do.
Yes.
Exactly.
Wow. We're really flipping her out.
She can't imagine what you're doing here with me.
Hot people are supposed to be with hot people.
-Excuse me. RACHEL: Dex. Shh!
You're making my girlfriend uncomfortable.
-Dex. Stop it. -What?
Oh, my God. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh. Now l remember why l had such a crush on you in law school.
No, you didn't.
Course l did.
Oh, come on. You knew.
Two stops. Tenth and Second, then down to Tribeca.
l'm sorry.
l don't know why l....
l was just a--
Yeah, all right. l'm thinking more like one stop.
DARCY [ON MACHlNE]: Rach? RacheI?
Rach.
RacheI, pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
Oh, my God.
DARCY: RacheI. Rach. -Oh, my God. What did l do?
DARCY: I'm panicking. Dex never came home.
Oh, no.
DARCY: Listen to me. Dex never came home and I don't--
[TELEPHONE BEEPS]
Fourteen missed calls.
Oh, my God! Wait! Don't be naked!
What--?
[TELEPHONE RlNGlNG]
-Should l answer it? -What? No! No, no. Don't--
Oh, shit!
-Pants. What? -l should answer.
DARCY: Why isn't anyone answering? -Don't answer the phone.
RACHEL: l'll just say.... DARCY: Pick up the phone!
-What? DARCY: Rach.
l don't know.
DARCY: It's an emergency, and I think Dex is cheating on me.
And I know it sounds so crazy, but, hot peopIe, they get cheated on sometimes.
-What do we do? DEX: Rachel.
lt'll be okay. lt's gonna be okay. We'll figure it out.
[GROANS]
l'll tell her l was with Marcus.
[WHlSPERlNG] God, l'm such a terrible person.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE] What did l do?
l mean, not just to her, but to you.
Rachel, stop. lt wasn't just you.
[TELEPHONE RlNGlNG]
Rachel, l--
l better go.
-Hello? -Rach, where the hell have you been?
Dex didn't come home last night.
-HeIIo? -Oh, my God.
-RacheI. -Yes, l heard you.
He didn't come home Iast night.
He better have been hit by a car or in jail or something.
Darcy, don't say that.
Do you think he's cheating?
No.
-He loves you. -l know he loves me, obviously.
But where the hell is he?
Did you see him last night? At the bar? Did you see him when you left the bar?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, he was with Marcus. They were, uh, watching a game.
A game? At 2 in the morning?
lt was something European. Oh, cricket, maybe.
Cricket?
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
Oh, my God. lt's him.
l'm gonna see about this cricket crap. l'll call you right back.
Cricket. Cricket?
DEX: You don't happen to have four extra pens, do you?
Oh, l do, actually. l brought a bunch.
You're making fun of me.
No, l'm impressed.
You're making me feel really inadequate right now.
[DOOR OPENS]
l'm Professor Dennis Zigman and this is Torts.
A few ground rules: Never introduce a contingency in your answer.
A supposed tortfeasor may be argued to have committed a tortious act...
...when four conditions have been met.
Each is necessary. None is, in itself, sufficient.
There must be a duty or obligation. This duty must have been breached.
-This breach must have caused damage. -[WHlSPERlNG] What about you?
ZlGMAN: Duty, breach, causation.
[WHlSPERlNG] That's okay. l'll just listen.
ZlGMAN: Damage.
Thank you.
ZlGMAN: Duty, breach, causation, damage.
Now this duty is not a statutory duty.
The breach. The breach may be in the form of negligence.
[GRUNTlNG AND SHOUTlNG]
[RlNGlNG]
-Darcy. -lt's Dex.
l borrowed her phone.
Um, l just wanted to make sure that you were okay.
Oh. Yeah, l'm fine.
Are you okay?
l, um....
DARCY: Hey. Who are you talking to?
DEX: It's RacheI.
Oh! Hey. Sorry. Totally forgot to call you back.
Yeah, no. ls everything okay?
No, it's fine. He just got drunk and passed out at Marcus'. Whatever.
-Wish her Happy birthday. -Oh, my God. Happy birthday.
-Thanks. So everything's okay with Dex? DARCY: Yeah, yeah.
Um, yeah. Yeah.
[WHlSPERlNG] Except he got a little weird...
...and acted really guilty and said we have to have a talk.
Talk about what?
l don't know. Whatever.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE] l gotta go. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Wait, can l just talk to Dex real quick?
[GASPlNG]
DARCY: Because the dress l picked was perfect.
Unless this one's even more perfect.
Darcy, you look incredible.
Wow. Wow.
She's having her bridal moment.
Hey, Darce. You okay?
-You okay, Darce? -No, l'm fine. l'm just--
l wanna cry on the day...
...so l wanna check my mascaras, make sure it doesn't run...
...so l'm trying out all these different ones.
My mascara. ls it running?
l wish l could cry more.
Can we get a bigger train?
[DEX & RACHEL LAUGHlNG]
Shh!
Sorry.
Duty, breach, causation....
-Oh, jeez. RACHEL: Hold on.
-What am l missing? What am l missing? -Damages.
Oh, shit.
[STUDENTS HUSH]
[WHlSPERlNG] Sorry. l'm sorry.
Here.
Use a mnemonic.
D, B, C, D.
Deliver by Christmas Day.
Don't blame Cameron Diaz.
[LAUGHlNG]
-This isn't even that funny, is it? DEX: No.
lt's not funny at all.
How about when all of this is over...
...Dex buys celebratory dinner?
Oh! Yeah.
Sure.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
-Actually, l spun the bottle. -Yes.
-l would spin the bottle. -Ha-ha-ha.
And, well, she manipulated the bottle so that it landed on me, of course.
-And so we go in the closet. -Ha-ha-ha.
But it was one of the best kisses l've ever had.
Wow.
-And.... -And, um, my first kiss was on a golf course.
-Okay. -ln the middle of the night, and l was 13.
-Ha-ha-ha. -That's--
DARCY: Crashing.
Oh, l don't know. He's okay-looking.
Dex, this is Darcy. Darcy, this is Dex.
You've been talking about him for nine months.
Well, he's been a very great study partner.
Wow. You two, lighten up. Your tarts are over.
-Torts. Th-- -Whatever.
Excuse me.
Uh, could we have six shots of tequila, por favor?
So games, fun, let's get this party started. Truth or dare.
Darcy.
lt'll be fun. Come on.
Okay, fine. l'll start. Dare.
Ask Rachel out on a real date instead of whatever this is.
Darce. We're just friends.
Fine. Then ask me out.
Hey, don't look at me.
-Who are you? -Who am l? l, counselor, am fun.
Which you look like you could use a lot more of.
-Oh, is that so? DARCY: Mm-hm.
Yeah, it is fun, so l'm willing to share.
-Are you always this obnoxious? -Ha-ha-ha.
-Yes. l am. Does that surprise you? DEX: Yeah.
Surprise me? No. You seem like trouble.
DARCY: Trouble?
[DEX & DARCY LAUGHlNG]
DARCY: RacheI.
Did you hear me? Rachel?
[WHlSTLES]
Veil, no veil?
Hmm?
Veil.
DARCY: Oh, come on, RacheI. I mean, reaIIy.
You're 30, you can't afford to be picky.
Oh, my God. l can't believe l forgot to tell you. Guess who thinks you're hot.
Marcus.
Oh.
Dex's friend, Marcus. He was at your party.
-Yeah, no. -What?
Oh, my God. You're like....
Whatever. So guess what l did.
l convinced Marcus to take the last bedroom in the Hamptons house.
-Darcy. -What? lt'll be so fun.
lt'll be like your own little live-in boy toy.
Actually, l'm gonna have to work most weekends.
RACHEL: Hey. ETHAN: Hey.
Can't believe l'm doing this.
Oh, stop it. lt's one weekend. lt's gonna be beautiful. You can write.
What are you talking about?
The Hamptons are like a zombie movie directed by Ralph Lauren.
And l won't be doing a lot of writing...
...seeing as how l'm your sexual chaperone from Marco.
-Marcus. -Marky.
-Marcus. -Doesn't matter.
[DARCY CHEERlNG]
[UPBEAT HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
-No. -Yikes.
No, please tell me he's not coming.
-Good night, everybody. -Darcy, be nice.
What's with the backpack, Ethan? Like 1982.
-You're lame. -You're lame.
-Hey. What's up, buddy? -Hey, look who it is. lt's this guy.
MARCUS: Dude. Three chicks, three dudes.
-Hi. ETHAN: Thanks, bro.
-Get on in there, doggie. -Don't touch me, though.
-Here-- That's all right. l got it. RACHEL: No, it's okay. l got it. Thank you.
l got that one.
DARCY: By the way, Ethan, you're sleeping in a little girl's room.
ETHAN: Oh, great. You're gross.
Pay the toll. Pay the toll.
-l'll get one later. DARCY: Sun waiting for us!
DEX: You ready? You ready? -Whoo!
MARCUS: The Hamptons, baby, huh?
[DARCY CHEERlNG]
Oh, my God, you guys. Welcome.
[DARCY LAUGHlNG]
DARCY: Oh, my God. Honey. Honey.
MARCUS: Save it for the honeymoon. DARCY: Yes.
l'd like to make a toast.
Here...
...is to my last and best summer of my former life...
...before l become Mrs. Dexter Thaler.
May we all come up here as often as possible before Labor Day...
...and spend the summer full of sun, fun, drinking, partying--
We should do some shots.
[DARCY CHEERS]
MARCUS: Cheers.
ALL: Cheers. MARCUS: Cheers, buddy.
Cheers. Look in the eyes. Look in the eyes, everybody. ln the eyes.
Bad luck if you don't do it.
Dex, Rachel, look in each other's eyes.
Let's go out!
MARCUS: Let's go to the Jetty.
[KlNG FLOYD'S ''GROOVE ME'' PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
ETHAN: You gotta stop staring. -What?
l wasn't.
What? l'm talking about cuckoo bird over there.
Look at her. She's just a little gremlin.
She's like some weird animal.
She's like a freaking circus animal.
-What is that? -Oh, just stop it.
She's a perfectly normal woman who made the great mistake...
...of thinking some man wanted her when all he wanted was sex.
-Thanks, Oprah. l don't need-- -Just go talk to her.
Okay. l should totally do that.
Not now, l'm not.
Oh, oh, oh!
What's up? How you doing?
-Ooh! Hey! -Too much? Too much? All right.
How you doing?
Could l get a Maker's on the rocks, please? Thank you.
You're like a shark.
That kind of hurts my feelings a little bit.
l'm actually a pretty sensitive guy.
-Oh, really? -Once, when l was 9 years old...
...l saved the life of a chipmunk.
A chipmunk.
He fell out of our tree and almost died. He didn't know what to do.
He couldn't move his legs.
So l built a tiny little splint for his tiny, little broken leg.
And l carried him around in a BabyBjorn.
And all the kids in my neighborhood, they laughed. They made fun of me.
They threw rocks at me. But l didn't care.
-You know why? -Why?
Because all l saw was this little fur ball that needed love.
That's really sweet.
l know.
So next time you wanna call somebody a shark, just remember the chipmunk.
All right.
How about we go outside and get a little fresh air? What?
-No. Sorry. Not my thing. -Ha-ha-ha.
-Not your thing? -Not my thing.
Okay.
You know what? Why not?
God, l'm good.
MARCUS: l don't know what you're talking about.
-But where did the guy end up? -We never spoke to him again.
[ALL LAUGHlNG]
[SlGHS]
Bedtime, baby.
Yeah, you two should go.
You know what, hon? l'm actually not that tired.
Good.
Yeah, well, good night, man.
What a great day, huh?
Come here. Love you.
[MOUTHS] Come on.
-[MOUTHS] So hot. DEX: Good night, Marcus.
Night, you two.
-Have fun. -Good night.
[SlGHS]
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
Alone at last.
MARCUS: Here we go. Yeah.
DARCY: Oh, Dex.
Dex.
[DARCY MOANlNG]
[TELEVlSlON STOPS]
-ls that--? -lt's a cat.
Oh, that was no cat.
l'm really digging the ambience in this house.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
-Hey. Hey. -Oh.
-lt's so, like, crazy out there. -ls it?
Um, do you think maybe l could, uh, could sleep in here? ln this room?
No. Nope. Nope.
Because it's....
Claire, l'm....
l'm really sorry. l should've talked to you about this before.
l'm just-- l can tell you from in there.
Um....
l think l'm gay.
That came out wrong. l'm definitely gay.
l'm really gay. l'm just figuring it out.
-Oh, my God. -This weekend's been a lot.
l'm a little-- Feeling vulnerable, excited, liberated. Things....
Phew. Got a lot going on.
All these things l'm dealing with, it's just....
There's not enough room for all of it and you.
-Okay. -You know?
-So.... -Okay.
All right. Thanks for being cool with it.
l accept.
-You accept what now? -l accept the challenge.
l accept the challenge of being your partner in this journey.
No. You're not getting it. l don't need you as a partner.
l need another partner. l need, like, a guy partner.
Like, dudes, maybe a lot of them.
Yes. We're gonna work through this.
There's no working through it. lt's not a curable thing.
This l got.
-We start tomorrow. -We're not-- What are we starting?
-Yeah. -What? Claire. Claire!
DARCY: Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah!
[DARCY MOANlNG AND SHOUTlNG]
-Well, l'm out of here. DARCY: What?
You're leaving?
-No. -My boss called. l have to go in.
Tell him you can't. What an ass.
Ass face.
-l know. -Will you make her stay?
Rachel, you really should stay.
You're gonna miss them shooting another porno.
You are obviously still so in love with me.
[lN MOCKlNG VOlCE] Obviously.
Do we have the number for a taxi? l need to get to the Jitney.
lt's okay.
l could take you.
Yeah. Honey will take you.
Well, there you go.
You don't really have to go, do you?
l'm sorry. Can we, um--? Can we just forget this happened?
Okay.
We'll forget it happened.
Good. Why did it happen?
Why did you kiss me?
Yeah....
[STAMMERlNG]
We shouldn't....
You were having wedding jitters.
And l was emotional about turning 30.
-We were both really drunk. -l wasn't that drunk.
What?
l wasn't that drunk.
-l'm sorry. l shouldn't even-- -No, it was just a mistake.
lt was a big mistake.
Yeah, you know what? lt was, ha, a big mistake.
So how was the rest of the weekend?
l just had the best time with your boyfriend, Marco.
-Marcus. -Doesn't matter.
Everybody was okay with me leaving?
You know, Darcy? Dex? Anybody say anything?
Well, we all had a good cry, but then-- No. No one cared. Why?
Nothing.
l'm having dinner with Darcy. She said it was important.
lt's important? Oh, my God, should l be there?
Ha.
WOMAN: Oh, that's great.
[CROWD CHATTERlNG]
MAN: Just because we didn't--
Rachel is here.
Oh. Rach.
-Rach, we're back here. MAN: A bit short.
-Hi. -Hi.
Do you wanna sit down?
No, that's okay. l just-- l thought that we were having dinner alone, Darce.
DARCY: Right. -So did l.
We're not. There's something the three of us need to talk about that's important.
Let me get a chair. Can l steal this?
Scoot over just a smidge. Thank you.
Okay.
There's something going on here, and l think we all know what it is.
l know there's something going on.
l've been noticing this for a while.
And l read in CosmopoIitan magazine toda-- Well, l skimmed it.
And it said it's normal for the best friend and the fiance to be...
...upset about losing the attention of the bride.
That is what's going on here, right?
Actually--
-Guilty. DEX: Yeah.
-That's it. That's it. -Okay, all right. Let's get over it now.
Let's move on from this, because there are no third wheels.
l love you both.
WOMAN: Thank you. MAN: You're welcome.
Yes, thank you for dinner.
So did you and Marcus do it?
DEX: Darcy. DARCY: Heh-heh-heh.
lt's a legitimate question.
Did you?
-Tell me. -No.
Was he a good kisser at least?
-Will you leave her alone? -Come on.
Shush. This is between me and my best girlfriend.
Well?
-Was he? -Hmm?
l knew it. l knew it. Will you tell Dex he doesn't know you at all?
He was like, ''She's not into him. Why would she be into him?''
l just....
-l think you two are different. That's all. -So?
So what? We're different.
lf people fell in love based on similarities, the two of you would be a couple.
DEX: l'm gonna get a taxi.
-Okay. -Meet me up front.
DARCY: Are you gonna leave me?
Okay. Maid of honor favor.
You have to see this '90s cover band with me tomorrow night.
For the wedding.
You have to. lt's the only time they're playing and Dex loves the band.
-l'm slammed at work. -Promised him l'd go.
He's working. You're coming. Please? You have way better taste than me.
Than l. lt's ''than l.''
-You have better taste than l. -Than l do.
Sounds weird.
Fine. Ahem.
When do l ever say no to you?
[SlNGlNG] How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore?
Hey. Where are you?
Oh, something came up.
RACHEL: Wait, you're not coming?
Well, l-- Ow!
Um, why don't you just listen to a couple songs and call me after? l gotta go.
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore?
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be?
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
[BAND PLAYlNG COUNTlNG CROWS' ''ROUND HERE'']
Step out the front door Like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast Of white on white
In between the moon and you AngeIs get a better view
l can't believe she sent you here.
-lt's fine. -No.
This is not fine.
How come you never told me how you felt in law school?
Dex, l never should have said anything. l'm....
l just wish l would've known.
What do you mean?
Rachel, you were all l ever thought about in law school.
Did you really not know that?
Why are you saying this to me?
-Rachel-- -Wait, don't.
-Please, don't. -Rachel.
This is not wedding jitters. lt never was.
l just-- l can't stop thinking about you...
...and l don't know what to do.
Rachel, look at me.
Look at me.
lf you feel the same way about me, tell me now.
Please.
Just tell me now.
l can't.
lt's too late.
SlNGER: We aII Iook the same
l do feel the same way.
l wish l didn't.
But l do.
DEX [ON RECORDlNG]: Hey. I can't stop thinking about what just happened.
God, this is crazy.
But I just wanna make sure you come to the Hamptons this weekend.
I, um, hope to see you there. Okay.
CLAlRE: Lunchtime!
-Hey. -Hey.
-How are you? -l'm good. How are you?
DARCY: Ha-ha-ha. Hi.
-l, uh, forgot something. DARCY: Ugh.
-What a dramatic day. DEX: lt is.
Oh. Heh-heh-heh.
Why are you wearing that?
What? Why shouldn't gays have the same rights as we do?
l'm gonna go grab a beer. Do you guys want anything?
l'll have a beer.
l agree, l just....
Hey, Rach.
l'm sorry about that. Uh, l was just thinking--
No peppers, right, baby?
-When did you get here? -Uh, this morning.
l didn't invite you back another weekend. So why are you here?
Because l love you and l can't stand to be away from you.
And, also, my apartment flooded.
Really? lt flooded? That's so weird. l don't care.
-Darcy. DARCY: That's crazy.
Be nice to him. He's going through something very difficult.
Thank you. Well, no, it was just the apartment flooding is the only thing.
[GlGGLlNG]
MARCUS: l think l need a wet nap.
You do.
MARCUS: Good spread.
Spaghetti.
We're allowed to have guests, right?
ls there any vodka?
DEX: Mom, don't worry.
Yeah, no, it shouldn't be a problem. Okay, well, l'll call you tomorrow.
lt's all gonna be fine, Mom.
l love you too.
That your mom?
ls she not doing well again?
She's actually getting better. She's so excited about the wedding.
Right. Ahem.
You know, when l was a kid...
...and her depression got really bad, my father made sure he wasn't around...
...so l'd just try to cheer her up.
The worst part was...
...l actually was afraid that if l couldn't make her happy, l'd lose her.
That's a good reason to be afraid.
DARCY: Dex! FedEx! lt's our proofs for our wedding invites! Come see!
l'm sorry we haven't had any time to talk.
Nice jeans, dude.
Nice hair, bro.
MARCUS: You wanna go dip your toes in the water with me?
l think she's asleep. Or dead.
MARCUS: Well, l'm gonna go.
DEX: Something tells me you're not kidding. DARCY: l'm not.
[DEX CHUCKLlNG UNEASlLY]
Ha-ha-ha.
That's, like, the fakest laugh. What's wrong with you lately?
l'm sorry. l'm just a little tense.
Tense.
l love you, baby, even when you're tense.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
What am l doing?
Don't even think about it.
What did l say, huh?
Darcy, you're so dead.
[SHOUTlNG AND LAUGHlNG]
[MlSS ElGHTY 6'S ''CAME TO PARTY'' PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
When I need to get away I turn it up
I Iet it pIay Let the DJ show me the way of the pIayer
UntiI I'm feeIing as good as
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
We came here to party
-My mom didn't know what l was doing. -Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
We came here to party
Oh, oh, oh
-Get away from me. -Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
So l built this tiny little splint for his tiny little broken leg.
And l had to do CPR on him. You couldn't push hard. You had to just blow it--
-l need him. l'm sorry. -Oh!
Oh, God! l need you.
Aah! Yeah!
[BUBBA SPARXXX'S ''MS. NEW BOOTY'' PLAYlNG]
Bring it back to me
Hit the pIayers' cIub For about a month or two
Yeah, Rachel!
I found you Ms. New Booty
Do it, girl!
l'm here for you, baby! Whatever you need! Whatever you need, baby!
Put a tan on it Then see what it do
Get it right Get it right, get it tight
DARCY: Oh, yeah.
[MOUTHS] No.
Give him your back. Give him your back.
GirI, I don't need you But you need me
Take it off, Iet it fIop Shake it freeIy
[SHOUTS]
I Iet 'em teII itseIf And you ain't gotta seII, girI, it seII itseIf
Like nothing eIse Yeah, I'm a country boy
Yeah.
Ain't Iife grand? Live it up, daddy
[SHOUTlNG]
MARCUS: Yeah, get in there.
[GROANlNG]
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, l just think l pulled something.
Your vagina?
No, l didn't pull my vagina.
-Ha-ha-ha. l'm just kidding. -l just pulled near my vagina.
She's fine, she's fine.
Now l know how many flowers it takes for you to call me back when you're mad.
Sorry. lt just....
Look, l know this weekend wasn't what we had hoped it would be.
RACHEL: No, it wasn't just this weekend.
lt's watching you with her. And knowing what we're doing.
What are we doing? It's just....
lt's hard to see you with her, Dex.
l can't believe l'm saying these things.
Rachel, what we need is some time alone.
Just the two of us.
You know what, next weekend is the Fourth of JuIy.
I'II say I have to work.
And it'll be like a time-out.
A time-out to see what this is...
...without anyone or anything around us.
What do you say?
Gotta go. Call you back.
Sorry. Started without you. Good God. Who are those from?
-Uh, Marcus. -Really? Because they look expensive.
-Should we go? -Yes, we should.
And that was him on the phone too, right?
-You doing good? -Should we go?
Yes, we should. There's a note.
lt's private. Come on.
Come on. l was just gonna check his spelling.
-Heh. -Rachel.
Rachel, who are the flowers from?
Do you want me to guess?
Please don't.
Please say something.
l don't know what you want me to say. l mean, l guess l'm impressed, actually.
l didn't think you had it in you. Him either.
lt's nothing to be proud of.
Oh, my God, it's terrible.
Why? Nobody's married yet.
And, besides, sometimes good people do bad things, right?
And, hey, l could see you guys together.
So, what's the plan?
You gonna stay here, spend Fourth of July weekend with him?
He wants to spend some time together to see what this thing is.
And what do you want?
l want not to want him.
ls that true?
l don't know.
Well, l can tell you this.
lf the roles were reversed...
...Darcy wouldn't even hesitate.
RACHEL: Darcy, l really have to get back to work.
What about these?
Did you hear me?
-Can l read you something? -Can you read it fast?
-lt's my vows. -l have to be--
Sit.
Ready?
''Dex.
Dex.
Our love is like the ocean. Endless and deep, always flowing.''
lt's awful? You hate it?
l don't hate it. lt's lovely.
Oceans don't flow. Rivers flow.
See, you're better at this than l am. Help me.
Right now?
-Come on. -Okay.
Well, forget the ocean.
Forget the ocean.
Uh, tell him that...
...when you're with him, everything makes sense.
Right?
And he makes you giddy.
And...
...uh, tell him that...
...he makes you the person you want to be, instead of the person you are.
And that...
...uh, the idea of life without him is...
...not only unbearable, it's unimaginable.
DARCY: Oh, my God.
-Ha, ha. Hi. -What's up?
DARCY: How are you? l haven't seen you guys forever.
-How's it going? What's happening? WOMAN 1 : l know.
-Who's that? DARCY: Oh, that's Rachel.
You remember Rachel. My best friend from forever.
l know, l'm getting-- l'm getting shoes for my wedding.
-Can you believe it? WOMAN 1 : No!
DARCY: Yes.
DJ [ON RADlO]: If you're driving to the beach, I hope you packed your patience...
...because the roads are jammed, foIks...
...as New York City does its annuaI disappearing act for the Fourth of JuIy.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
-Who is it? -lt's Dex.
Hi.
Come on up.
You know what, l'm gonna come down there.
l can come up.
No, no, no. l'm coming down.
Wow.
Sorry. l'm-- Ugh, l'm just a....
-A wreck? -Heh.
Yes. Heh-heh-heh.
-So shall we go? -Yeah.
Wow. lt really is deserted.
Yeah, it's just us.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]
-ls that her? You can answer if you want. -No.
You know what, l'm gonna turn this thing off.
l'm sorry. l'm not-- l just-- l'm not, uh, really comfortable.
No, it's okay...
...because this is already the best weekend l've had in a long time.