Mmm. Nothing better on a peanut butter sandwich
than pickle chips, a little bit of mustard and chili.
What?
It all ends up in the same place.
Here she comes! Here she comes! It's The Cracker!
That's the new girl. Why do they call her The Cracker?
Watch.
Even from here it hurts.
Rumor is, when her old school kicked her out,
they had to call animal control.
It took six dogcatchers and a giant net to bring her down.
Come on, Lilly,
it's hard enough to be the new kid in school
without people making up stories about you.
Remember when I moved here from Tennessee
and somebody spread a rumor that I ate possum?
I didn't know you then.
I bet she's a nice kid.
With freakishly strong hands.
Come on, guys, I say we all go and say hi.
What do you know, she might surprise us.
And even if she is a bully,
it's not like she is going to pull anything with Mrs. Rush here.
Yeah, eyes like a hawk.
Tell you what, you go make friends with The Cracker
and I'll stay here and start writing your will.
Put me down for all her shoes.
I mean, good luck.
The fellowship of the wienies.
Hi. I'm Miley.
You know, I used to be new here, too.
But now I'm old here.
Well, not old-old, like this meatloaf.
Neat trick.
You know, I saw The Nutcracker once.
Loved it.
- Got any lipstick? - Sure. Yeah.
This color will look great on you.
I can tell we're gonna be good friends.
Call animal control.
She's behind me, isn't she?
Anybody got a net?
Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe, every color
Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun
It's really you but no one ever discovers
Who would have thought that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar?
You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that it's the best of both worlds
Now, Robbie Ray, you and Jackson enjoy that father-son fishing trip.
I won't let anything harm a hair on your baby girl's pretty little head.
Gotta go.
- Who did this to you? - The new kid in school.
She thinks I look better with my hair up.
Didn't anybody try to help you?
That would be me.
I can't believe this.
All I was doing was trying to be nice and now I'm a big old target.
Yeah, and thanks to you, so am I.
If I'd only believed that possum story, my life would be a lot simpler.
First thing tomorrow, you go right to that principal
and you tell him what's going on.
And be a snitch? No way!
Well, then it looks like I'm gonna have to go down there
and protect you myself from The Cookie.
She's not The Cookie, she's The Cracker.
I don't care what kind of snack food she is,
she's gonna have to get through me.
But, Roxy, at school I'm Miley, not Hannah.
I can't use my bodyguard to fight my battles.
Can't you just teach me some of your special moves?
Oh, you mean like this?
What's so special about that?
That's right. Roxy's like a puma. And this kitty's got claws.
- Can you teach me that? - No way.
- You only use violence as a last resort. - And when is that?
When she yanks out my intestines and wears it as a belt?
Okay, okay, I got a move that'll work for you.
Lilly, you be the bully and I'll be Miley. Now, get all up in my grill.
I'd rather not.
Come on, I'm not gonna hurt you.
Now, here I am, walking in the halls with blue eyes, all perky.
Come on, girl, show me what you got.
Hey, Miley, give me your lipstick.
Principal! Principal! Help me! Help me!
That's how you handle a bully.
- You want me to run away? - Like a free range chicken.
I can't believe Roxy wouldn't show you some moves.
Just the way she puma'd that pineapple
would've scared the juice out of me.
That's just it. Lilly, I don't have to be a puma.
I just have to make The Cracker think I'm one.
Lilly likey.
Ow!
Well, I'm sorry about your fishing trip.
But that is why they call them freak storms 'cause they're freaky.
Could you open the door?
You know, you boys are lucky I'm still open.
The Health department wanted to close me down last week.
- Really? Why was that? - Oh, bugs. Big, big bugs.
But don't worry, we're fumigating all the other rooms.
'Cause you already did this one?
Okay.
Welcome to the honeymoon suite.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You know, it's kind of funny, when I pictured my honeymoon,
it didn't include the big heart-shaped bed
or the red satin wallpaper or my dad!
Well, it's better than having your mother-in-law along.
Boy! That was a nightmare.
Well, I'll tell you what, I'll get Franklin
to bring you boys some fresh towelettes.
- You mean towels. - Okay.
- I wanna go home. - Oh, come on, Jackson.
The whole point of this trip was to have a little father-son bonding time.
So we've hit a bump in the road.
Why don't we just look at it as an adventure?
Okay, I really wanna go home.
Oh, it's not that bad.
Matter of fact, it kind of reminds me of poker night in Uncle Earl's RV.
It's Franklin with your towelettes!
Remember, it's still an adventure, it's just an adventure with a puppet.
You two in the honeymoon suite? Awkward!
Franklin, how many times have I told you not to tease the guests?
That is no way to get repeat business.
Enjoy your stay.
We are sleeping in shifts.
That's right. Miley like a puma.
Yeah, she a bad puma! You better run, Cracker!
Go ahead, start running!
Why isn't she running?
I'm warning you, Miley like a puma.
Miley like a puma.
Miley run like a puma.
Dad, stop.
Dad, stop tickling my feet.
What are you talking about, Son? I'm over here.
Bugs! Bugs! Bugs!
We are so getting out of here.
Not without your deluxe complimentary breakfast.
Thank you, but we're not gonna be needing any of that
yummy looking breakfast.
We're gonna go ahead and see
if we can't salvage what's left of this fishing trip.
Oh, I don't think that's gonna happen today.
The roads are still snowed in. Looks to me like you're stuck.
What do you know about that? Looks like we're all stuck.
He's right. We are stuck.
Well, on the bright side, at least he doesn't have the dummy.
Who you calling a dummy, dummy?
Dad, I've seen this movie before,
and you and I don't make it to the sequel.
- Talk about a hairy situation. - Don't make me laugh.
Run for your lives! She's coming!
Danny, calm down, you're flaking up the hall.
Yeah, she's in the cafeteria.
Not The Cracker. There's a new girl in school.
She's even scarier!
Where is she? Where's The Cracker?
Wait a minute, that sounds like...
Oh, no.
What up, girls? Where do I park my board?
Roxy, what are you doing here?
- And why are you dressed like a kid? - Quiet, I'm trying to blend in.
What're you all looking at? I got held back a grade or two.
Who's counting? Not me. That's why I got held back.
Roxy, we need to talk in private.
- Follow me. - Follow me.
- Let's just back up. - Okay.
Just go about your business.
Nothing to see here you can't see at the circus.
Roxy, you can't be here.
You said you weren't going to the principal,
and you're not wearing your running shoes.
Well, if you won't protect yourself, Roxy will.
Now stand still.
It's time to pick this problem apart. Turn around.
- Wow, your hair looks great. - You, too, I love the braid.
That's my signature. Float like a butterfly, braid with a bead.
Now, come on, this puma's hungry for some Cracker.
You're sitting in my seat.
- I don't think so. - Cute.
Can you do this?
I'm not scared of you.
Yeah, that's right. Your bullying days are over.
Because she's the big cheese
and the cheese always covers the cracker.
- What did you do? - I used ESP.
Extra Sensory Puma.
We're never gonna get out.
- We're gonna die in here. - No one is gonna die.
Now stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive.
Snowplow's gonna be here soon.
Bad news, fellas. Plow won't be here till morning.
Sweet frozen niblets.
I wanna live! I wanna live! I want to live!
We gotta at least try to dig out again. Right?
With what? You broke all of our best plastic spoons.
Oh, please, he stole all that stuff from Madam Fu's.
- Madam who's? - Madam Fu's.
- Madam who's... - Okay, forget it!
Who needs spoons? I'm gonna ram it.
Well, see you on the other side, old man.
I can't feel my lips.
Don't even think about it.
In fact, don't even think about thinking about it.
Yeah, you heard her. Flake off!
Oh, yeah. Life at school just got a whole lot better.
Tell me about it.
Look who's coming this way. It's Troy McCann. He's so cute.
- Hey, Lilly. Hey, Miley. - Hi, Troy.
Listen, the basketball team is having a party this Saturday,
and I was wondering if you guys wanna go.
- No, we can't. - Actually, I...
I said no! Now, move, move, move!
He seems like a sweet boy. Those the ones you gotta watch.
Roxy, what are you doing? I had my eyes on him.
Never realized how many dangers lurk in these halls.
Bullies, boys, and that chicken potpie they served today?
That was nasty.
From now on, we are brown bagging it.
You're not thinking of staying, are you, Roxy?
I have to. If I leave, The Cracker's gonna go back to cracking.
And since you won't go to the principal, I gotta be here to protect you.
Now, take your shoes off and put these on.
Roxy, these look like nurse's shoes.
Safest shoes ever made.
These waxy floors are a broken hip waiting to happen.
- Nurse's shoes? - Hey, well, look on the bright side.
I'm sorry, there is no bright side to this.
Poor Pablo.
Oh, she's breaking his heart.
Why do they always go for the bad hombres?
Hey, Dad. Look at us. We're bonding.
You're right, Son.
And now that we have, let's get the heck out of here.
- I'd love to but where's the snowplow? - There is no snowplow.
- Gunther? - No, it's Franklin. Gunther's asleep.
Dad, what's happening?
Don't worry about it, Son. He's probably just talking in his sleep.
Oh, good work, Einstein. Now shut your yapper and listen.
He never did call for a snowplow.
But there's a heater register right behind the night stand.
You can open it and get to your car.
Thank you, thank you so much.
What am I doing?
He's right, Jackson. Come on, we're going home.
Take me with you.
Okay, Dad, I know this is a little weird,
but in a strange way, he did save our lives.
Listen to yourself, Son. He's a doll.
You aren't so bad yourself, cowboy.
Dad, in some part of his brain, Gunther wants us to do this.
But it's stealing, I think.
Just leave 50 bucks on the table.
He got me at a garage sale for 5.
Good enough for me.
Works every time.
- Hey, Miley, I like that outfit. - So did I.
Until I came downstairs this morning.
What happened this morning?
Hey, hey, girlfriend.
She's impossible.
I can't talk to boys, and these nurse's shoes are hideous,
and now she's making us wear the same clothes so if I get lost,
she can tell people, "I'm looking for someone dressed like me. "
Hey, only four more years and you can wear what you want.
Unless she follows you to college.
Why didn't I tell the principal in the first place?
Sure, I would've been a snitch,
but I wouldn't have been a snitch with a computer tracking device.
- Say what? - It's in my barrette!
Well, it's too late to tell the principal.
Now that Roxy is here, The Cracker isn't bullying anybody anymore.
I'll save you a seat at the cafeteria.
And I'll cut up your lunch into small, safe, non-chokable pieces.
Great.
Wait a minute.
Lilly, what if Roxy wasn't here anymore?
The Cracker would bust you like a piņata
and she'd probably use Dandruff Danny as the stick.
Perfect!
Am I missing something?
Just meet me in the cafeteria with the principal in five minutes.
But what about Roxy?
Hey, Jeanie, this barrette would look perfect in your light brown hair.
Thanks, Miley.
Where is that girl going? We don't have gym this period.
Okay, I've got the principal and we're coming down the hall right now.
Great. The fox is on the move.
Wow, somebody thinks a lot of themselves.
It means I'm going in.
Danny, I have some bad news.
Roxy was arm wrestling the principal
and accidentally snapped his wrist like a twig.
- He kicked her out of school. - Roxy got expelled? I'm doomed!
Sorry to hear about your friend.
Yeah, I'm helpless now.
Lilly?
Mrs. Rush?
Looks pretty good, but it still needs something.
Oh, yeah, nuts.
- I'm late, aren't I? - Just a smidge.
You did the right thing coming to me, girls.
She's not gonna bother anyone else in the school again.
You have anything to say for yourself, young lady?
- Sorry, Stewart. - That's okay.
All right, Henrietta Laverne. Let's go.
Henrietta Laverne?
At least now we know why she's so mean.
Well, thank goodness that's over.
I was running out of fake dangers to protect you from.
Excuse me?
Oh, I only did all that stuff to make your life so miserable
that you'd go to the principal like you should've done in the first place.
So this was your plan from the beginning?
That's right. You've heard of reverse psychology.
Well, welcome to reverse Roxology.
- No need to thank me, honey. - Wait a minute.
I got tossed around like a salad so you could teach me a lesson?
You never do eat your vegetables.
Well, you better run 'cause Miley like a puma!
Principal! Principal! Help me! Help me!
By day, I play, the part in every way
Of simple, sweet, calm and collected
How many times have I told you? Stop stealing my stuff.
Jeez! Somebody's a little diva.
Tell me about it.